Food in My Stomach: Tommy's Hamburger

I love chili with hotdogs, hamburgers, fries, and anything that dips into the luscious, rich, and greasy bean sauce with meat.
But I don't like chili alone.

For the summer, my father and I have been going on bimonthly dates. As a Korean cultured man, my dad doesn't have much to say to a daughter. So I'm really thankful that he's stepping out of his comfort zone to go out, spend time, and converse with me.  With a man of few words, it is always an awkward beginning, but that man is definitely worth the awkward moments. We began meeting because it's been more evident to my dad and I that the opportunities to chat are steadily decreasing.

Well, on with the chili...
I've been craaaaaaving chili fries, burger, hotdog, anything! And since I "can't" go and eat alone, I thought a date with daddy would be the perfect time to dig into the chili.
Although I would normally choose The Hat for chili cheese fries, my dad wasn't up for the 30 minute drive. I can understand the man since he's never had chili cheese fries. If only he knew, he'd understand what he was missing. So we opted for Tommy's Hamburger. It was my first time there. When I looked at the menu, no chili burger existed. But when I asked, it was obvious to them that all the burgers on the menu already included chili. duh catherine duh. So I was excited to get my hands dirty!

Honestly, it wasn't the best I've had. :( Although the amount of chili pleased me, the quality was minus minus minus. First of all, it was a bit bland - not enough seasoning, flavor, and MEAT. The burger patty was thin and again, kinda bland. The fries were good though.

Other than the delicious taste of chili (normally), I enjoy the messy eating process. But I was a bit disappointed this time. In the beginning, I scarfed down the sloppy thang, but toward the end, the chili started aging. It was kinda like when old soup thickens and creates a layer ontop. It made me sad. But it made me eat faster haha.

Well here it is! It looks pretty good in pictures actually ^^

Overall, it wasn't as bad as I make it out to be... haha. I think I got carried away with the cons. But think about it, how wrong can you go with chili. Not THAT WRONG! so i'll try making some... and hope it doesn't go so wrong... haha
Hopefully I'll have it perfected by fall quarter, and we can have a chili party without a 30 minute drive! :))) 

My Name Is: Korean Culture

Yes, I am a fob. But I must say that I'm a 1.8 generation, not quite a second generation and definitely not a first generation. Working in a korean environment with legit first generation Koreans (most of whom were married before moving here), I can definitely see a huge cultural difference.

Granted, I can't distinguish if it's a cultural difference because most "American" people I know are asian-american and christian. Morally, there is a difference already. However, some of these morals actually do come from a cultural background. It's culture, so please don't judge what's wrong and what's right. To everybody's eyes Americans seem moral and always right, but it's cus we are in the American mind set. And more importantly, some are sin, but that's not what I'm trying to discuss; if we are, I can say American people cohabit before marriage and so on, but let's not go there.

side note: I'm not cultural expert, and sample size is only 14. Don't quote me... haha.

Let me share some funny quirks about these Koreans:
1. They shamelessly take your food - Korea and many other asian countries share food. At this company, the Korean ahjumahs and I bring banchan (side dishes) and lay them out on the table. These days I've been eating a lot less because I burn nothing from sitting on my chair at the receptionist desk. So I often have leftover rice which I save for the next day. As for the banchan, my employees eat most of it and I just pretend like I'm full because I don't want them to feel bad. What's funny is that when there's a few amount of food left, they make it seem like I'm wasting food and they'll do a favor by eating it for me.
somebody: "Why aren't you eating this? Do you want this? Why's nobody eating this?"
me: "No, no, you can eat it."
somebody: "Okay, I'll eat it"
It's so obvious that they want it, but as Koreans they make it seem like they're taking it because they "have to". The same lady actually straight up took my rice as she was saying, "You have rice left, I'll eat it for you." When it was on her plate already, she asks, "You weren't saving this for tomorrow, were you?"
Why can't they just ask for it if they want it?

2. Don't question. In the American culture, we are allowed and encouraged to question anything that seems wrong. Even our politics are centered around democracy. On the other hand, it is rude to question things. Trust me, I've asked some stuff... haha.

3. If you don't want tension with an older woman co-worker, call her unni - never ahjumah or by name. Anybody who's a student is called "student" (haksang) or baby (ahgah) -_-.

4. Follow sales. Everytime we eat out, it's because there is a sale at the restaurant.

5. Don't tell your parents. I think one of the main reasons that (some) of the employees are nice to me is because (some) of them know my parents. One time, I was doing everybody's dishes, and they told me not to do it because my parents might find out. I told them I won't tell my parents, and they let me continue haha.

6. Public display. I know many other cultures do this, but I think Koreans do it in a pompous yet nonchalant manner.

7. Blame shifting. Always blame the younger one because older adults never make mistakes.

I'm sure there are way more, but I'll leave it at that :)
Overall, 1.5 generation Koreans are the best!

Living by the Word: Worldly Desires

I'm so lame, I know... I haven't posted for 2 weeks now -_-
but I have semi-good reasons. I've been working on encouragement "projects" for some people.
It's taken me way longer than I thought... since I am a perfectionist and details are a must.
I'll post pictures when I finish the other 2 and send them off. Another reason is that I am unable to do anything at home other than write/edit my post, often sleeping way too late to wake up early the next morning.

Other than the fairly reasonable reasons, I've also went through a phase of complacency. Summer & complacency always seems to go hand in hand... I started off strong, but what matters more is how I finish (and consistency)! Well, here I am, being lame in July, with 2 more months of summer. But even through this, I've learned something.

Worldly Desires
Being in LA, surrounded by nonbelievers, I've become complacent with how they live and how I live. Actually worst, I've began desiring to experience their world. It's very enticing from the exterior. For a few days, I wanted to stop fighting these "yearnings" and go out to experience the world. This began beause I spend most of my day at work and gym, where it's overloaded with nonbelivers.

Through the conversations I've had with some people, I began thinking about the lifestyle of nonbelievers. I'm still young, why am I not going out and having a "good time"? When I get old, I'll be insulted if I went out acting young, be called a cougar... Hm, it's like my hair. My reason for cutting my hair before I got old was so I can try on the look while I'm still young; otherwise, I would look like another korean ahjumah. I wanted to go out while I could.

So I went home and talked to my sister about why I can't experience the nonbeliever's life. Now, I'm sure most people can empathize with this struggle, of wanting a carefree/fun life. So, let us define fun and experience. Today, the definition of fun has been paired with clubbing, drinking, and sexual activities. Experience seems to be paired with following the trend of a the phase of life (popularity contest in middle school, crazy sweet 16, college parties, mid life crisis?, etc.) and illegal activities. So who decided that? Why do they get to define fun? This misconception of fun has subtly but surely infected my mind and the mind of many others. You HAVE to do certain things at certain time of age to have fun, experience, and be "in".

So in my age and stage of life, I should be clubbing with friends, flirting with boys, and playing beer pong. Hum, sounds interesting, and it sure would be a new experience! So should I try it? The irony is that I knew I would feel uncomfortable and out of place, but how would I know? I never tried it! Aw, bummer I lived a boring life! jk.... read on

Life in Christ
Do I have fun? Yes.
Do I experience things? Yes!
But is it how the world defines fun and experience? No.
Has the world enjoyed my fun or felt my experience? No.
Have you? Yes! (I'm assuming those who are reading are my friends from LBC)

Confused? I was extremely confused when my sister was telling me about her experience that she had during her time studying abroad. But I get it now. During my sister's study abroad, she often found herself alone when her peers went to bars at night. But in her lonliness, she experienced better things. In a nutshell, she met more of the natives, got to attend Bible studies, had time to think, and experienced God's presence. Not in a hibijibi way, but she grew a lot at this time, experiencing a different kind of life (I hope I quoted her story correctly haha).

Obviously, nonbelievers cannot experience what she experience, nor what we all experience as believers.
From the exterior, Christians seem boring/reserved, but nonbelievers can never experience genuine fellowship nor genuine love. What seems better?

While I knew experiencing the world could be wrong in many ways, I shouldn't have wanted to in the first place. Where do I look? to the cross, always to the cross. Why do I forget -_- sigh sigh sigh. It was amazing because Pastor John actually spoke on "Living the Gospel According to Jesus" this past Sunday after my week of struggles. I know he was speaking more to the leaving SJ team, but it applied to me also in a different way.

1. Weight of Worldly Things
          I realized I put too much weight on worldly things. Why do I even
          THINK that such things need to be experienced? Why is it enticing?
          It's because the weight of the gospel was lacking.

2. Weight of the Gospel
          Obviously, if I don't think Christ is worth much, it'll be draining to live for
          Him, and unfulfilling. It's like chasing jalepanos when you could be chasing
          pie! Jalepanos just burn a whole in your stomach and leave you with dire
          consequences (such as BDS). If I could chase pie, I would gladly send
          off the jalepano. But how much more with the kingdom of heaven! The
          2 parables we went through were from Matthew 13:44-46:

                      The Parable of the Hidden Treasure
                        44"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which
                        a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all
                        that he has and buys that field."


                     The Parable of the Pearl of Great Value

                        45"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine
                        pearls, 46who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold
                        all that he had and bought it.
          Here we see that the surpassing value of the kingdom of heaven. So I'm
          the girl who glimpses at the treasure but holds onto what I have, just incase
          my possesions might have value. This is idolatry! I need to fully understand
          the value of the kingdom of heaven so I can "sell" all that I have. Because
          if I have Christ all else would seem worthless.

               In gaining Christ Phil 7:8
                  Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth
                       of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the
                       loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.

Main Point of Message: Live life like Jesus is everything (leave everything!) - If there's something else, anything, one thing, it's not everything.

3. The Cost          Yes, there is a cost to follow Christ. I must hold everything with my hands
          open, so God can give and take - no fuss. We went throgh 3 commands
          shown in Luke 9:23
                        "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up
                         his cross daily and follow me."

          1. Deny Yourself
                  - 2 Cor 5:15 living for Christ, not for yourself
                  - selfishness is not congruent with the gospel (Christ is greater, and it's
                            about Christ)

          2. Take up the Cross Daily
                  - only people who were to die carried the cross
                  - take the way of suffering that leads to death
                  - like war: you strap on the gear in preparation to die (which happens
                     in war)
                  - But is Jesus worth dying for? living for?

          3. Follow Jesus - actively

Okay, the cost of following Christ may be anybody's definition of fun, but it should be an outcome of your experience with Christ. Despite the road we must take, we still can have fun, meaningful fun that glorifies God. Sounds "boring", but I'm sure you guys can vouch for me that I have fun :)

Hello, My Name Is: My Testimony

(extended version)

As there is a climax to every story, the climax of my life is when I understood Christ as my Lord and Savior.

Back in the Days:
Growing up in the church, I was raised with "good morals", and as my parents were committed members of the church, my siblings and I frequently received compliments of how well we were raised. From the outer view they were right. With the pressure of upholding my parent's reputation, I did all the right things and watched my mouth in front of others. I constantly had to be conscious of what the other person's reaction would be even before I spoke, desiring to tickle their ears. As I grew older, it did not help to be known as the "goody two shoes" or the "christian girl". This all resulted into pride. As I was the little angel outside, I came to believe that I was not that bad.

Soon enough I did not feel the need for a savior. If Christ died for me, wonderful, but I'm a good girl; why wouldn't he want to die for me? I saw it as the best friend taking the bullet for his best friend, like they do in the movies. But in Christ's case, he died for billions of peope, so I'm only a one in a billion+. So it was well worth it. I thought if any one person could die to save the world, they rightly should. So I lived this way for a good 16 years of my life. During these years, I even brought friends to church, and told them they should be Christian. My understanding of what it meant to be a Christian was extremely skewed.

By the grace of God, my parents and I moved to LA in the summer of 2006. Through the temporary youth pastor at our church, I began to learn what sin was. Oh, that's sin... I'll stop doing it then. But when I did sin, I was rebuked harshly by my pastor, to the point of tears. As a result I put in a lot of effort to change my action and my thought, practically brainwashing myself to recieve the approval of the pastor and church people. I tried to perfect myself, and when I slipped I cried in frustration.

After a year and a half of suppressing my sins for no good reason, I slowly began growing fond of the life of non-believers. However, I could not conform because I was known as the Christian girl and looked up to by other girls for having "good morals". It was all the same. I began to make good friends in high shcool and after hearing a message about sharing the gospel, I decided I should do the same. Except, what exactly was "the gospel"? These american christian terms were foreign to me because I grew up in a korean church all my life. Therefore, I asked my pastor, and he asked me the same question back. I answered, going over the bridge illistration we had learned before. When he asked for my testimony, I personalized the bridge illustration haha. Sadly, he told me he doesn't think I'm saved because I only know the skeleton of the gospel. I didn't understand. For months after, I could not get a hold of him because he was busy, for good reasons. However, I was left alone without direction.

Coincidently, it was prom season and I didn't have a date. I thought, I'll just go with my friends, but all my friends had dates -_-. So I decided not to go. After some people found out I wasn't going, they tried to match me with people who didn't have dates. I got all sorts of random people, and a teacher next door even invited me over to her class to tell me that her student wanted to ask me but he's shy IN FRONT OF HIM AND THE CLASS! It was embarrassing and I left.... One random day, I was on aim and a friend im-ed me. He wanted me to go to prom with one of his best friends (our mutual friends), and they were fair candidates. Long story short, he told me to choose one, and I did prefer one over the other. Although my friend never told that other preferred friend, we began hanging out more eventually. Soon he asked me to prom and few months later he asked me out.

I had mixed feelings about dating a non-christian and often felt a heavy hand upon my shoulders. My friends even told me they were glad I was open to dating a non-christian -_-. Although he promised to go to church with me on Sundays, that began to wear down. It was terrible of me because I merely wanted to appease my conscience. After much guilt, I thought, I'm not a christian anyway, so why does it matter. I began to avoid christian fellowship and bible studies.

During the time we dated, I realized through the grace of God that I indeed was wholly a sinner with continual sinful thoughts. My desires were for myself, and it was blatantly obvious that nothing I did was for God. In addition, everything we did for each other was give and take, not selfless. All in all, our relationship was like that of the world, not in accordance with the word of God. I knew something was wrong, and I knew our relationship had to end sometime, but I didn't want to. What's funny is that I thought, if I could only overcome this obstacle and break up with him, then that must mean I'm saved (since I'm "thinking" about God.). However, I learned later that I was missing something else, which I will get into soon.

By this time, we were both in college and I was looking for a good church (again, grace of God). Even before I got into college, I most definitely wanted to check out Lighthouse because Caroline talked about how wonderful it was every time she came home. And through the infrequency of her visit home, I understood that it must really be wonderful. So I check out Lighthouse and got sucked into small groups. I couldn't refuse the sincere request of Stephanie Lim... who can?

Our first small group meeting was set, and I knew I wanted to truly live my life for God, somehow. The day before our first small group date which was Wednesday, I broke up with my boyfriend. Our thinking and beliefs were so different that it was hard to communicate. However in the end, I just wanted to him to know that I lived absolutely contrary to christians. I told him not to look at christians and see them as how I was. I felt ashamed. I gave him a Bible (with his name on it so he can't throw it away or sell it) and we parted our ways.

God's Wonderful Grace

First small group. We went to yogurtworld and got to know each other. However, we were to prepare our testimonies for sharing the following week. Second small group. We sat in Susan's room and I struggled to share. I shared about my ex boyfriend and how I know I had sinned against God. And I didn't know where I stood in terms of salvation. I did not know how God could forgive me after all that had happened. At that time, we began reading The Cross Centered Life by C.J. Maheney. This is where I began to learn about grace.One day when my sg leader and I met one-on-one at Summit. I was one confused and lost child. When I was explaining how messed up I am in my thoughts and actions, and how I couldn't  be forgiven, Susan asked me a very significant question. She asked, "So, you think you don't deserve forgiveness?" That was it! I was sinful to the core, and I did not deserve God forgiveness, nor Jesus's death on the cross. I did not merely know about God's grace, but felt it. I was forgiven, and Jesus had fully paid for the sin I had committed. Only when you fully understand your sinfulness, can you experience grace.

This is when I fell in love with the book of Romans - it's filled with the stories of God's grace.

Aftermath

Out of gratefulness, I cannot help but live for the God who loves me so much, enough to send his son to die in my place. Although there are temptations that hinder me and trials that test me, God is always faithful to teach me something new every step of the way.

Personally for me, I actually thought if I tried my best to "fix" myself, I could do it. In other words, sanctify myself. But it is truly the grace of God that opens my eyes to see, and my heart to receive. That was a hard lesson to learn for me, but God has taught it, and I realize that my strength is nothing compared to the almighty strength of God. And though I know now, it's still hard to put it into action, physically and mentally. There are always trials, but I know God will get me through, it's just a matter of of His soverign timing.


SIDE NOTES:

Hm, I know that the before life should be the shortest, but I think my blog shares more of what I am learning. So that's that.

Also, I wanted to apologize for missing a lot of posts this past week. I realized that I put too much on my plate. When I began posting, I didn't have time to do anything else. So I will try to figure out a new schedule that may work better. And I will try to write less, but I'm love writing details... but again, I'll try :)

Book Review: Passion & Purity

Thankfully to the job God has given me, I finished a book in approximately a week!

Title: Passion and Purity
Author: Elisabeth Elliot

This book was pretty much at the bottom of my list to read. I believe God was guiding me to this book, because the books I wanted to read remained packed in boxes and I couldn't get to them before work. This book has literally sat on my LA home shelf for over a year, which definitely reveals that I had no desire to read this book yet.
Currently, I feel pretty content with my singleness, so I didn't feel like I needed to read dating books (not that I never think about such things). But since it fell in my little hands, I read it. In all honesty (since I should be honest in my own blog, as somebody tells me:), I had very mixed feelings about this book. Lessons about remaining joyful in the Lord, waiting quietly, and overall being a faithful woman were all good. Overall, the principles are wonderful. However, I believe the way their relationship came about was wrong. And while Mrs. Elliot agrees, it is not discussed much further.

Story goes...
Elisabeth and Jim Elliot falling in love in college.

Jim tells Elisabeth he loves her, but that he cannot make any promises of marriage because it may not be the will of God.
WHAT IS THIS! First of all, this is not what many Christian women struggle through. Although females can feel like a guy likes us, we are NEVER to assume and cloud our minds. Secondly, a man should abstain from saying such words if he cannot even commit (which Elisabeth admits in this book, but still loves and yearns for him, waiting for something to happen). Although Elisabeth writes that we must wait patiently and be right with God, I don't think waiting is a good idea. When you are waiting for something you want, you are not opened to the plans of God, which she actually mentions in the book!)

They are continually separated (college, etc.) , and only see each other once a year or so

During this time, Jim kisses somebody
Okay I understand that he is sinner and can make mistakes, but if he

When they meet, they act like dating couples
This I cannot stand. Although they aren't even dating, they hook arms and sit close to one another. Of course, it is something that they regret, but Elisabeth does not take it too seriously, which worries me.

Few years later, Jim asks if they can mail each other, but still do not know if he's called to celibacy so he can't make any promises. Elisabeth agrees with mailing
This was also a bad idea because they practically sent each other love letters. How is this to help the "waiting process"? If Jim believes he maybe called to celibacy, why is he doing this to Elisabeth, and why is she reciprocating? In one of Jim's letters, he writes:
          You know best what our writing is doing to you. My answer from the Lord about marriage
          or engagement is now a decided no so long as present circumstances prevail, with no conditions
          as to what might happen when and if they change. Can you afford to continue to feed a growing
          love which may be cut off without any fulfillment at some future time? (Elliot 135)
This is a very dangerous position to be in, especially for Elisabeth. No wonder she suffered waiting for someone who might be called to celibacy.

They both go out for the missions training (Ecuador) and spend time together
They are not technically dating, but they spend way too much alone time together.

They separate into their respective mission field.
They continue to write letters to one another. Although they are not dating, they are writing very intimate letters about how they miss each other.

A year later, Jim asks Elisabeth to marry him.
This seems like a spoiler, but we all knew it was coming... So they totally skip dating and get engaged, which I'm not opposed to; but why not date if they insist on acting like a couple.

Now don't get me wrong, I did learn a great deal from this books, but I did not feel that Mrs. Elliot applied it to her life as well. And while she allowed things to happen with Jim, she harshly rebukes struggling people who write to her, often mocking them. She assumes too much about the other person. Overall, I cannot agree with how they "stayed together" when everything was uncertain. I would stay far from a man who professes his love and keeps me as his own, but am at his disposal. I don't mind being disposed, but if it wasn't surely heading toward marriage, could that relationship be right?

Hm I feel like a talked pretty poorly of Mr. Elliot. I did hear wonderful things about him and his mission work, but his pursuit? I'll have to question it. He did write a book called The Journals of Jim Elliot so perhaps I'll read it to understand his actions.


BUT WAIT! There are Pros to this book:
I learned about...

- Waiting upon the Lord without distractions.
               Willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the
                      heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts
               Waiting entails: steadfastness, patience, expectancy (I would change this to hope), obedience,
                      listening
                     
- Keeping quiet/having a quiet and gentle spirit
               Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut

- Sacrifice (little deaths)
               We must die in order to live.
               It is in giving that we receive, in pardoning that we are pardoned, dying that we are born to
                   eternal life.
              When we refuse to let go, growth stops. 
              Analogy of changing leaves: If the leaves had not been let go to fall and wither, if the tere had not
                                 consented to be a skeleton for many months, there would be no new life rsing, no bud,
                                 no flower, no fruit, no seed, no new generation.

- What to do with lonlieness (Elliot 79-80)
                  1. Be still and know that He is God
                  2. Remeber that you are not alone - God promises us "Lo, I am with you always" (Matt 28:20)
                  3. Give thanks - this weight of lonliness will be outweiged (2 Cor 4:17, 18)
                  4. Refuse self-pity - turn to Christ who has already carried your grefs and sorrows
                  5. Accept your loneliness - it is only a stage in your life that will bring you to Him, it will not last
                  6. Offer up your loneliness to God - He will transform your heart
                  7. Do something for somebody else - pray to be an instrument for God to bring joy onto others
               How will you act? (Elliot 81)
                  rebellion - if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn't love me
                  rejection - if this is what God is giving me, I won't have any part of it
                  faith - God knows exactly what He's doing
                  acceptance - He loves me; He plans good things for me; I'll take it
               Is it a tough thing to do? Then do it. Take it up at once. Say yes to God. He will bring the very
                  best to pass.
                   ^  (This chapter also helped me to understand suffering as I mentioned in "Dying to Self")

- Loving   well, this whole book's about loving God and people
               Love interprets things in favor of the one loved (Elliot 169)

Well here are most of the highlights of my reading. So I did learn a lot from this book. However, I'm still not quite sure who I would recommend this book to because women are not priveliged with the certainty of love from both parties. However, the principles learned from this book are necessary and applicable.

Since I'm sure I'm talking about a controversial issue, feel free to comment and prove me wrong, really.